Artificial feelings

artificial seasons . by *m0thyyku on deviantART


I realize these feelings are artificial.  I understand this because of my constant falling off the fence and whichever side I land on depends on the thought, memory, or person I see which sparked the fall.

I look at a letter and think what might life be like?  I see a picture and wish for that life.  A second chance.  With both, or one, or neither.

I see her at my game.  In my house.  In my car.  In my life.  She's/they are not there.  I see another girl and wonder, "could she be the one?"  I look at her figure and wish.  Snapping me back to reality, again confirming that I'm superficial.  I want yet I don't.  It's been a year, two, seven.  Will it end?  Will the mechanical gears inside ever match their teeth again?  Or will they grind away leaving the continuously smooth loop.

On my way.

So I am finally on my way to "my" new house.  After weeks of stressing and searching, I finally was successful on a bid I made on a house.  It's in a nice location, not too far from the light rail, and should have a decent ability to resale when the time comes.

The living room is kind of small, and the kitchen is a little outdated but the master is amazing.  So big.  My dreams are now filled with decorating my new place.  I never thought I would be a fan of HGTV, but it is now my staple channel.

I'm on my way but there is still a long ways to go.  I will keep you updated as the process proceeds.  My current step is getting the loan stuff situated.  My closing date is October 27th.  Just in time for Halloween, my first holiday in my house.

That smell is smoking hair...

It's ok I put out the fire.  Things in my life have been busier as of late then it has in a long time.  Where shall we start?  How about at the beginning.

Sunday August 17th, Greg came over and we loaded up my bike next to his.  The Fall semester started on Monday with myself participating in a hectic schedule.  I worked a split shift coming in at 7 with a plan to get off at 12 to go to the track with Greg.  That morning was a blur and when I finally left the office and sat in Greg's truck, I didn't feel good.  Didn't feel focused, which should have tipped me off. 

We got to the track and started this thing.  Suited up, feeling better.  I could sense Greg's hesitation which was to be expected.  We took it slow at firs but Greg was getting quicker, and so was I.  Feeling much more confident and quicker then I had the time before.

Should have been my second clue.  About midway through the session, my speed increased drastically, even dragged knee a few times.Coming up to the corkscrew, "how am I going to take this, what am I going to do with my body?"  The MISTAKE!  Should have been concentrating on my speed, realized it at the last second, leaned as hard as I could, deciding not to ride off straight as I was concerned at what the bike would do hitting the dirt at 75mph.  The tires lost grip, blaming it on the DOT tires, and lowsided at about 75mph.  The worst part of this whole experience was the sound the cheese grater asphalt made against my poor candy.  The leathers did their job with me getting up spitting dirt.  The guy pulled up with the cart, grabbing my hands asking me to squeeze and "what day is it?"  "August 15th?"  "Close enough."  I was fine, my ego wasn't, and mad was an understatement.

Turns out it was a good thing.  The insurance company covered it and paid off the bike.  I'll purchase a race ready bike in the Winter with the acquired funds.  Getting out from under that loan allowed me to qualify for a much higher home loan.  Which has been the next biggest stress in my life as of late.  Exciting but stressful.  I've put a bid on one place that looks like it's going to fall through because of a lawsuit on the HOA.  If I don't hear any positive news today, I will put a bid on another place.  A place with a huge master bedroom and bath.  So we will see how that works out.  I'm ready for it to just be done and for me to have a place.  Fingers crossed something will be settled this week.

On top of all of this, multiple wedding projects have been going on.  Shooting, editing, delivering, re-editing.  I'm discovering it's not something I really enjoy.

Thats about it.  The flames are extinguished at least for the moment.  I can finally start to think again, now if I could just find a damn house, all would be perfect.  Oh and I dinged 80 W00T!!! 

Blue green eyes...

I met a very nice girl this morning.  She called herself Angie.  She didn't look like an Angie.  She was a nice girl from the country although you wouldn't have known by her dress.  You could tell that the city wasn't her place despite her trying to make it so.  The first thing I noticed was her eyes.  Beautiful eyes.  Maybe it was the metallic green eye shadow, normally a detraction but for her it worked.  I studied her face, pleasant features.  As we were departing she glanced up and or eyes connected.  She smiled and I sheepishly returned it.  I lost her in the crowd, searching the girls as they walked away.  I couldn't find her, maybe tomorrow.  I will look for my Blue green eyed girl...

On the Edge of Distraction

I stand on the edge of distraction.  I gradually make my way to the ledge.  I peer over, take a deep breath, jump.

I ran into an old friend this morning.  One I haven't seen in a very long time.  She looked just as beautiful as I remembered.  Maybe even more so.

Our interaction was brief, with the tension thick enough to divide us.  There is baggage there, as much as I would like to deny it.  Things that get in the way of us actually seeing each other, even if it's just over coffee.

I walked away with an unexpected feeling, of sadness and discontent.  One I've lived internally many of times.  I've discovered that I think she had more of an impact on my life then I gave her credit for.  I sit now wondering if the things that got in the way are gone.  Tiny clues given to me in our momentary interaction.  As I stand on another cliff, on another edge, I realize my regretful mistake.  It is a regret.  Losing a friend.  The things that got in the way are gone, I'm now left with two empty hands and a friend lost.

Maybe one day it will be the way it was.  The way it was supposed to be.

"But thoughts they change 
and times they rearrange
I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know
I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess
you're so much more than I remember
Can't help but entertain
these thoughts, thoughts of us together


We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when"

Riding a roller-coaster that you could fall off of!

Another busy weekend.  Saturday was spent running errands, driving all over Denver a lot of which was a waste of time.  Had some good company though and was able to acquire a new pair of boots and gloves for the track.  Saturday night was spent filming Ben's wedding.  One thing I can tell you is that I'm getting pretty used to weddings although his proved difficult to shoot.  I was beat Saturday night but had to pick up a few groceries for Sunday.

Sunday came.  Woke up at 7:30 and took a shower.  Made some coffee.  Waited for Greg.  He finally showed up and we proceeded to drain the coolant on the bike.  That actually went pretty smoothly.  Took a little longer then expected so we decided we had to meet Grubbs and Sam at the track.  The real fun came when we loaded the bike in the truck.  Getting it up there wasn't too hard we just looked like a couple monkeys strapping it down.  It was secure enough to make it to the track without anything falling out though.

Made it to the track, paid, and got a quick lesson from Steve on body position, flags and such.  Suited up and jumped on the track.  I wouldn't necessarily say I was nervous, I was just focused.  Followed Grubbs on the track and it was amazing how much different it is.  Things came so much quicker.  Had to focus on speed, breaks, body position, line, etc.  When we got off the first session, I was literally shaking.  Not out of fear, but out of such intense adrenaline.

I started off slow but as the day went on, I was becoming faster and faster.  Had a few close calls, went off the track once at the corkscrew which turned out to be not too big of a deal.  It was a great learning experience and I can't wait to get back out there.

Greg asked, "so how was it?"  "Like the most intense roller-coaster you've ever been on and you could fall off at any moment!"

PNR with the big W!

So last night PNR played our second to last game.  We all know what's going to happen right?  Well to everyones surprise we won.  Granted the other team only had 9 players and we had 10, but that generally doesn't help us too much.  We had solid fielding and some solid bats last night.

In one inning we gave up 5 runs, 3 of which were walk ins.  The last inning things were getting a little sketch, bases loaded and just not locking it up.  I caught a fly-ball to left, throw out at first and then Jason surprising us all with a pop fly catch as pitcher.  It was a great game and a lot of fun.  BW's was a good time after the game with spirits high because of the win.  Here's hoping next week goes as smoothly.